What Goes Through Your Head?

“When you see a friend for the first time since your mom died what goes through your head?” A friend, who lost her mom just a month before me, sent me that question in an e-mail last week. I think I’ve finally come up with my answer...

I wonder if they know.

Do they have any idea how completely different I am? Do they know about the metamorphosis that has taken—is taking—place inside me? Can they tell how I have been forever scarred? That in some ways I’m as weak as I was the moment I heard, “she’s gone,” but I also have the strength of her life within me? That the scar, while painful and fragile, is doing something to the rest of me? Making me hardened, wise and a thousand times more compassionate all at once? Do they know how confusing it is to be torn apart, to be a child and a wise elder at that same time?

Then, I wonder if they Know.

Do they know this feeling? Do they Know, with a captial "K"? Am I standing with someone who has felt this same tug of emotions? Has their heart been ripped in this same way? Have they made it through to some “other side” in their grief? Is that even possible? Is this someone who, with just a nod and wink, could make me feel understood? Whose words are completely unnecessary? Someone who will make me feel wrapped in love because just by having stood in my shoes I know they have no choice but to hold me in their heart? To keep me from feeling completely alone?

So I guess it’s a two-part answer, my friend…

My thoughts first go inside, to me… “Can’t you see how changed I am? I’m a totally different person now. Nothing is the same for me. It will never be the same for me.”

Then my thoughts move to you, the friend standing before me… “Do you know this pain? Have you experienced this life-changing, and completely human experience? Are you different, too? Are you and I the ‘same’?”

I have a feeling this response will fade over time, but in some way I know it will be there forever. You and I, we'll continue to miss our loved ones, but if we stay connected with those who remain, we'll be stronger. We'll give peace to those newly (and begrudgingly) entering the group of Knowers. 

Peace, sister.